Social science researchers bear this out. When individuals are asked later in life, “When you look back on your life experiences and consider the things you regret, which do you regret more: the things that you did but wish you hadn’t, or the things that you didn’t do but wish you had?” The results revealed that the number of regrettable “failures to act” exceeded “regrettable actions” by a two-to-one margin and that this was true for both sexes.
As many of you know, I think one of the most powerful questions we can ask in midlife is, “What will you regret ten years from now if you don’t learn or do it now?” Anticipated regret is a form of wisdom and can be a catalytic motivator.
But what happens when you just “went for it” and things don’t turn out how you’d hoped? It’s easy to get caught up in the repeating mind-f*ck that is today’s blog post title. Many of us use that question to punish ourselves: “How could I be so stupid, deluded, or blind?” And we feel consistently worse when we beat ourselves up.
What if we think of our emotions as messages that can give us the freedom, rather than the obligation, to respond? Regret teaches. Fear protects. Sadness releases. Joy uplifts. Empathy unites.
So, the purpose of regret is to teach, not punish. Growing up, my favorite teachers were the ones who showed love, not criticism, in a teachable moment. They realized I was learning the lesson and didn’t need to be chastised. If you’re going through some regret right now – even one that feels enormous – what if you just emulated a loving teacher and consoled yourself that you’re learning a hard lesson right now, but you’ll be much better off for it?