The evolution of female passion is the subject of a new movie and book that are quite the rage amongst our MEA alums. The book, “All Fours,” allows author Miranda July to wonder, “What if midlife crises are not cliches of chaos and restlessness, but moments of freedom and possibility?” In other words, why do men have all the fun when it comes to midlife crises?
The main character is a creative, a mother and a wife who is about to turn 45. In the first chapter, the narrator/main character writes, “I try to keep most of myself neatly contained off-site…In the home, I focus on turning the wheel of the household so we can enjoy a smooth, healthy life without disaster or illness.” She’s got a Walter Mitty flavor to her, a sort of quiet desperation of how she’s living her life tragically juxtaposed with her fantasies. When she unexpectedly gets a financial boost—by selling an advertising sentence about hand jobs to a liquor company for $20,000—she plans a solo cross-country road trip, unhitched from errands and obligation.
But she ends up no further than 30 minutes from her home, holing up in a cheap motel room which she redecorates whilst sexually obsessing on a younger man. For this character (and for the author), midlife is not a crisis, it’s a chrysalis of exploration. It’s a time to move from nice to naughty…without getting a sexually transmitted disease along the way. It’s a powerful narrative about opening Pandora’s box. The main character evolves her sense of who she is and, maybe, has always been, “I was a throbbing, amorphous ball of light trying to get my head around a motherly, wifely human form.”
The ferocity of midlife sexual desire is brilliantly and painfully depicted in Catherine Breillat’s new film “Last Summer.” The title of the film alludes to the same sense of finality that the book has as the main character takes a dangerous chance because she may not be offered another. But she shares with July’s narrator a kind of tamed wildness, an incompleteness of self in her adopted surroundings. She rebels against the innate assumption that sexuality for women has an expiration date. But, it’s worth acknowledging that having an affair with one’s 17-year-old stepson, who recently has moved home, is crossing all kinds of boundaries. This is the kind of film to watch with a few girlfriends in order to have a juicy conversation afterwards (it’s in contention for “Chip’s 50+ Film Fest” in Santa Fe Dec 17-22 – if you love watching and talking about films, especially those with MEA themes, you’ve got to join us as it’s a discounted workshop week).
Freedom can be destabilizing. I met a woman at The Swell’s Sex Symposium in New York where I was giving a keynote speech about my new book “Learning to Love Midlife” who whispered to me, “Learning to love midlife sex is both agony and ecstasy. I’m redefining who I thought I was, but I feel like the teenager I never allowed myself to be. It’s liberating and scary at the same time.”
What prompted me to write this post takes me back to the title. I was recently listening to the The Daily podcast about midlife dating after 50 and was intrigued by Maggie Jones’ story who was recently divorced. She was in her 50s, with two jobs, two teenage daughters and one dog. She didn’t consider dating. She had no time, no emotional energy. But then a year passed. One daughter was off at college, the other increasingly independent. After several more months went by, she started to feel a sliver of curiosity about what kind of men were out there and how it would feel to date again.
The last time she dated was 25 years ago, and even then, she fell into relationships mostly with guys from high school, college, parties, work. Now every man she knew was either married, too young, too old or otherwise not a good fit. That meant online dating — the default mode not just for the young but also for people Ms. Jones’s age. Her only exposure had been watching her oldest daughter, home from college one summer, as she sat on her bed rapidly swiping through guy after guy — spending no more than a second or two on each. I was transfixed by Ms. Jones’ story of online dating in later adulthood, and what she learned. I think you’ll enjoy it as well.
Go burn down the haystack!!
-Chip
P.S. I’m so excited to be talking to Gloria Steinem and Amy Richards tomorrow on one of our popular, free online fireside chats. It’s likely to be a juicy conversation as Gloria is a woman who’s burned down a few haystacks. You can register HERE.
After I posted this blog, I found out that Jennie Young is the creator of The Burned Haystack Dating Method which is based on rhetorical analysis when using apps, and also out in the real world. Her Facebook group is an incredible resource for women and she shares her teachings more widely on IG and Substack.