I encountered this beautiful made-up word several years ago when I read Dr. Rachel Remen’s (highly recommended) book, Kitchen Table Wisdom. I remember thinking it was a witty play on words but kept reading on with barely a pause. A few years later, just around the time I became an Empty Nester, I re-read Rachel’s book, and this made-up word, this concept, stopped me in my tracks. Endbeginnings.
Becoming an Empty Nester means you are getting a double dose of challenge. You are experiencing both a change (what happens from a practical point of view on the outside) and a transition (the internal experience associated with that external change). BAM! Whether it is something you look forward to or dread, it’s worthy of thoughtful preparation, before, during, and even after entering this important life phase.
In a recent Wisdom Well article, Chip shared a graphic from Dr. Bob Waldinger, Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. It provided evidence that becoming an Empty Nester can be a gateway to higher levels of marital satisfaction and, you’ll understand as you read on, you can also cultivate a greater sense of freedom and rebirth in nearly every area of your life. This milestone may lead to new learnings, loves and experiences you never expected or dreamed possible.
As a full-fledged Empty Nester myself, I can attest to the veracity of an increased sense of self, joy, freedom and possibility. To be honest, clients, friends and I would probably draw something much more akin to a roller-coaster if we were to chart the reality of our Empty Nest journey. But we almost all share an ultimate sense of increased happiness, and a new and special kind of bond with our adult children.
As I delightfully prepare to lead an Empty Nester workshop with one of my all-time favorite people, MEA’s own Kari Cardinale, I decided to revisit some of the things that brought me the wisdom I craved during those years. I found this handwritten diary-like note that I had stashed in between the pages of Kitchen Table Wisdom:
“I’ve been here before launching Mitch, and then Jill off to college. But this time, its flavor is unique, sweet and sour in a sharper way. (My youngest son) Matt recently left for college. The house is quiet. The refrigerator is empty. I miss his friends showing up to hang out. I miss his energy, enthusiasm, and silliness and the role of a mom with kids at home. That life chapter has ended, and it feels heavy.
At the same time, the house is quiet—yay! I can shop for the things Scott and I want to eat— I can even skip dinner if I’d like! I can travel more, take the Italian language seminar I’ve been putting off, become a regular at that evening yoga class… It’s an ending but a beginning as well. And it feels kind of exciting.
The question is, how will I focus my emotional energy? Part of me feels unfaithful to what has now been a 25-year life chapter if I move on. How can I move on from what has become a primary identity? What does it say about me if I don’t center myself in this role? Don’t my kids still need to have me available, just in case? Part of me feels lost. Though I’m fortunate to have meaningful work, do I love it enough to devote the time I’ve said I wanted? What if things don’t work out? So many questions…so few answers.”
That was written about 10 years ago. In retrospect, one of the most important things I recognized was that during the tumultuous, then mundane, then tumultuous years as a parent with a child at home, it was often more common to feel more like a human doing than a human being. It’s common to put everyone’s needs ahead of our own.
I decided to use some of the energy I put towards my kids to support raising myself up. I created hacks like back-ending activities during times I would normally have committed to my children. I would grocery shop or get my nails done towards the end of the day when I would typically greet Matt as he came home from school or sports. I decided to commit to shifting my focus towards the future and possibilities that await.
Becoming an Empty Nester is one of life’s most significant transitions. Many of us are anxious about the very concept of it. Some of us resist the transition of figuring out what our lives can be, while others are excited just thinking about it but know they must develop an approach or plan.
Which leads me to questions for you:
What if you treated yourself like someone you love?
What if you saw this endbeginning as an opportunity to reclaim yourself? Your relationship? Your health and wellness?
If you want to explore the possibilities of Endbeginnings and unearth the wisdom needed to answer your questions, click here to join us for Building Your Empty Nest Plan: The Best is Yet to Be Oct 21-26 at MEA’s Santa Fe campus. Kari Cardinale and I welcome all kinds of parents – couples, singles, one partner in a couple – for this life-changing workshop.
-Barbara
Barbara Waxman is a veteran guest faculty member for MEA and is a leading life stage expert, leadership coach, and gerontologist. She is part expert coach, caring truth-teller, strategic thought partner, and an accountability advocate, buoying her approach with compassion, honesty, research-based expertise, and a light heart.