Before 55, I enjoyed sex. I mean I really enjoyed sex. I was confident in my sexuality too. After my divorce at age 45, I enjoyed a sexual re-education of sorts.Mr. Santa Monica came first, re-introducing me to the pleasures of my body during the first weekend I had spent with a man other than my husband in 20 years. We met at a bar. I was sitting alone, talking to the bartender eating sushi. Mr. Santa Monica later told me that he saw me the minute he walked in and chose a bar stool just far enough away to not intrude, but close enough to allow for possibility.
We left the bar together that night—the night before Thanksgiving. And spent the next 72 hours together non-stop. To this day, he sends me a “happy anniversary” message at Thanksgiving. Thank you for the joy of that Thanksgiving, Mr. Santa Monica.
Next came Manuel, introduced to me by a girlfriend who offered him as a potential “friend with benefits.” He played his part perfectly. Then the financier, who taught me the most sensitive parts of a man, and the entrepreneur, who taught me how to give a really good blowjob. There was the NRA guy who liked zip ties, and the pilot who had studied tantric sex and kama sutra and…well…let’s just say the experience was cosmic.
Then love came into the mix, big love, mature love, lifetime love. And this partner, my life partner, was the best sex partner I could ever hope to have. I felt beautiful. And treasured. And grateful for this unexpected experience during the second half of my life.
When menopause came, with hot flashes and weight gain and changes in my ability to reach climax, my partner stepped up. He read, he listened, he learned new tricks. And it worked for a while. Until my libido left the building. Then it didn’t.
Now, I am navigating life without my faithful friend—my sexuality–who told me I am desirable, I am loved, I am wanted. Now, I search for that deep, intimate connection with my beloved, and we explore together whether there are other ways to meet in the depths of our love. I will tell you they are hard to find. And my willingness to search is, inexplicably, more limited. It somehow just feels oppressive and exhausting.
Maybe it is the confrontation of my inadequacy in an area of previous competency. Maybe it is the diminishment of my femininity staring me in the face. Maybe it is just fatigue. Whatever it is, the resistance is real. I want to be connected, but I simply have no interest in sexuality.
As I ponder what love looks like for me in the second half of life, I know it is with my beloved, but I don’t know what form it will take. Do we find a happy medium, where we both get some of what we want but neither is fully satisfied? Do we learn a new way of loving and being connected? How do I once again feel beautiful, sensual, desirable, desired, without my libido? Do I take hormones (against medical advice due to my medical history) because the vitality of the life I have is more important than the unknowable risks of the future?
I don’t know the answers, but I am searching. I’ll let you know if I find them.
Anonymous is a 57-year-old, two-time MEA alum who is an adventurous spirit and had her first romantic kiss at age 16.
P.S. There was so much buzz around the ‘Madelyn’ Series on Wisdom Well, that we decided to host a call to talk about Sex in Midlife and Beyond. Join me on Sept 13 at 4 pm ET, along with ‘Madelyn’ and her male escort Michael, and an expert panel for a conversation and Q&A about sex in the later half of adulthood. We have many viewpoints, ranging from those discovering new sexual freedom at this stage of life, to those who are struggling with lack of libido, and hormonal changes. What’s ‘normal’, or common? Do you have a healthy relationship with sex at this stage? How do you protect your physical and emotional health? Join us, this will be a good one! Here’s the free registration link. If you want to send questions to be asked to the panel, feel free to email them to [email protected].