There’s an old story of a child who comes home and says, “mom, mom mom…” (for those of us with kids, we’ve been there).
Mom, of course, is busy with something.
She says, “Yes?” while remaining engaged with her task.
Kid says, “Listen to me, Mom!”
Mom responds, “I am listening, honey.”
Kid, “No, you’re not.”
Mom, “Yes, I am. I’ve heard every word you said.”
Kid, “But, Mom, I need you to listen with your eyes.”
What does it mean to listen with our eyes? Of course it means things like paying attention, being here now, emptying our own buckets, reducing judgement, remaining curious and saying things like, “go on,” “tell me more,” and “what else.”
I think there is a deeper answer of what it means to truly listen. To understand this, we have to go to the source.
The root of the English word, “listen,” is the Old English hlysnan meaning, “to listen, hear; attend to, obey.” In other words, “to listen,” in English has more to do with obeying a command instead of really paying attention to what the other is saying. Perhaps that’s why the answer to the question of why we have two ears and one mouth makes sense. One who is in a position of serving a master should listen twice as much as one speaks.
But this does not get to the heart of the matter, that true listening has more to do with our eyes than our ears. It’s why people so often say, “you’re not listening to me!”
Early Semitic script (1500 bce, which later became Hebrew, then Greek and ultimately Latin) was pictographic. Each letter represented an object. For example, an “Aleph,” was the head of an ox. A “Bet” was the schematic of a house. Put together you get “Av” or father; traditionally the head of the house. Aleph and Mem (flowing waters) spell “Am,” (or Ma) meaning mother. She kept the household flowing or moving. Isn’t that often still the case?
The word for listen in Hebrew is “Shema.” It is made of three letters, Shin, Mem and Ayin. The shin is depicted as two front teeth. Mem is flowing water. Ayin is the eye. Put together one gets, “tooth, flowing waters, eye.” On the surface it doesn’t make sense.
But what do we do with our teeth? We bite, we press into things. So the meaning of the word Shema (heed, listen, hearken) is really, “to press into the flowing waters of the eye.” Listening, real listening is about empathy. It’s about noticing the tears (and the silence and the laughter) of another person. It’s about peering into their soul.
Far too often today, it feels like we are living out the line from Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence,” where people are, “hearing without listening.” (that song was released 60 years ago!) Imagine what our neighborhoods, cities, country, planet looked like if we really tried to press into the flowing waters of the eyes of our neighbors.
Thankfully, the MEA community is one that seeks to foster this type of attention granting, of really listening with our eyes. We practice active listening and appreciative inquiry. All of that only works when we begin by looking at another person, when we listen with our eyes. Try it. Look into the eyes of another, especially the watery parts. Imagine what you might find.
-Daniel
Rabbi Daniel Gropper, DD serves as the spiritual leader of Community Synagogue in Rye, NY. He is married to Tamara, and is the father of Elijah, Shai and Noa. He attended his first MEA workshop in January 2023, and brings those teachings to the Jewish community. He is currently working with Chip and others to create an inaugural MEA interfaith retreat for clergy in midlife in Santa Fe this summer.