On my 63rd birthday, I reflected on three things I wish my older self could have shared with my younger self.
Self-Awareness
I can’t stress this enough. Do whatever it takes to go on a journey of self-discovery. Do the hard work to discover how you are wired.
- What are my good and not-so-good tendencies?
- Where do I “go” when experiencing stress?
- When do I feel most alive and connected?
- How does my family of origin influence the way I see myself and others?
- Where are the points of transformation that need to take place in my thoughts and behaviors?
I realize not everyone is a fan of the Enneagram, but when it comes to this topic of self-awareness, it has revolutionized my life. It is a profoundly helpful tool because it provides a detailed and nuanced understanding of your inner world. By revealing core motivations, highlighting strengths and weaknesses, offering a framework for growth, improving relationships, and facilitating spiritual and psychological integration, it helps you lead a more aware, compassionate, and intentional life.
Self-awareness is crucial, not only for a thriving private life but it also allows us to recognize our wounds and avoid projecting them onto others. Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom, and it is the key to understanding how you relate to others.” Find the right tool for you and go on a journey of self-discovery. The blindness that emerges from a lack of knowing ourselves can be devastating.
Vulnerability
Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you must be willing to be vulnerable with others, especially with those closest to you. It was important for me to learn that being vulnerable wasn’t simply about sharing your thoughts but sharing your feelings. As an Enneagram 5 and an INTJ, I have always sucked at this. Do the work of being vulnerable with those important to you. You cannot let the fear of perceived weakness, judgment, or rejection, keep you from sharing what is going on inside. No relationship will thrive without vulnerability. Let me say that again. No relationship will thrive without vulnerability.
Ego
There is a crucial topic that is related to both self-awareness and vulnerability that must be addressed. That is the issue of ego. Some differentiate between our “false self” and “shadow self.” Simply put, the false self is a construct—a persona we build up over time in response to cultural, familial, or societal expectations. The false self is the part of us that seeks approval and recognition. We are tempted to curate our lives, presenting a version of ourselves that we think will be more acceptable to those around us. But this self is not who we really are; it is a facade.
The shadow self speaks to the hidden parts of us—those aspects of our personality and past that we try to suppress or deny. The shadow often includes our shame, our hidden desires, and the things we hope others never discover. The shadow self is the part we hide out of fear of rejection. It’s the messy part of our humanity we’d rather ignore.
In the process of self-discovery and creating space for vulnerability, we must recognize how insidious our ego can be in influencing our decisions and behaviors. We must do deep work to recognize and understand why we do what we do. We need to ask hard questions.
- What is really behind the choices I make?
- Why do I say the things I say?
- What motivates the “face” I put on for others, in person and online?
- Do I present a version of myself to project an image to gain approval or avoid rejection?
In the book Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging, author Brennan Manning writes, “Living out of the false self creates a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us, and nobody will know us.” This is hard and painful work, but worth every single minute. Life is meant to be lived out of our true selves. Our identity is not found in what others may or may not think of us. As you do the work of self-awareness and vulnerability, you cannot bypass the power of the ego.
-Brad
Brad Brisco works with faith-based nonprofits across North American and is the author of several books including Missional Essentials and Next Door as It Is In Heaven. He and his wife have three children and live in Treasure Island, FL.
